Where I belong.

An interesting thing happened when I made the switch from a career focused woman to a mom who stays home with her kids.  I didn't know exactly where I belonged.

In the beginning (when Max was a baby and I went back to work) whenever people would ask what I "did" I would always feel a pang of guilt saying I was a working parent. I wondered if they judged me for having a baby, but not being home with him all day, every day.  

Getting my snuggles in after a day at work.  Circa 2010.

I loved my job.  I actually had a really awesome job working with people I truly respect and consider friends.  But there were days when I wasn't sure how I was going to give 100% to both my career and my family.  I give so much credit to the people out there who are able to do it all flawlessly.  I personally was left feeling exhausted and inadequate at both roles.

After much inner turmoil and a lot of thought and number crunching, Billy and I decided I would stay home full time. I thought that the question "what do you do?" would become easier to answer because I'd no longer feel guilty about working. But I struggled to find the voice to say "I'm a stay at home mom." I would add the word "just" in there and smile...a little embarrassed. Part of me worried it would sound like I was boasting that I didn't "work". The other part of me worried that someone might think I was lazy because I didn't "work". It's such a weird paradox that I never imagined being faced with when we decided to have kids.

Reading to Max after bath time.  I cherished the short hours I had between getting home and putting him to bed.

Once I stepped away from the working world it took me a little while to get comfortable in my new role. Not the day-to-day parenting aspect of it, but owning my stay-at-home status as a part of who I am and maintaining a sense of self.  Embracing that, for the time being, it's where I belong.  And now I couldn't be happier to be here.

Too soon these "little" days will become memories neatly packed (and blogged) away. I know that one day I'll return to my career and begin to uncover aspects of the person I was when I was able to put myself first.  

It's not easy to collaborate all of the parts of oneself. The mom and the wife and the person I am at the core all find a place within me and constantly work to live in equal harmony. One not overpowering the other. But it takes a conscious effort to keep them all thriving.

I don't think I have it all figured out quite yet and probably never will, but I'm committed to living each phase of my life in a way that feels right to me and in a way that's best for the people I love most.

There are sacrifices we've had to make and days that I WISH I had an office to escape to.  But I know without a doubt where I belong for now.  And I'm giving it all I've got.